Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.