My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.