Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia