I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Admin smashed it 😂
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.