Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
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Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I love the honesty
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.