I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“you recording!?”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.