COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
nyc:
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.