Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
yeah no that’s fair
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.