And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
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