Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.