Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?