me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
this is the news I live for
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.