Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Pretty much. 🤣
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
good morning