“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Every haunted house movie:
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Friday