Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
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Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.