me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.