What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.