ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
You Might Also Like
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
shampoo implies shampee
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.