God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
my fav colour is also hitler
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?