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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Always
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.