Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
best first i’ve ever seen
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
This is sending me to another galaxy
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware