Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?