[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
worst…sale…ever
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.