*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
A woman drives into a bar.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.