lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
when u come home smelling like another dog
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Every time.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Hank is one in a melon.