Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second