I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I love the honesty
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.