(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed