My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
When someone says you are so lazy
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.