Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
You Might Also Like
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Awesome parenting 😂
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.