Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
🐕🍷
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.