her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
live long and prosper!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
The Friday File.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
brian had himself a morning…
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.