Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You Might Also Like
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
happy valentine’s day to me
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…