8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
what
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.