Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
huge if true: the moon
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.