Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Milk Cube
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
my one true gender
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.