One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking