Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good