My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime