i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
2022 be like
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
inside you are two wolves
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
it must be school picture day
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*