MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.