BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.