Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?