I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Breaking news:
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.