Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.