MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Tastes like chicken.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
It do be feeling this way.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes