Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.