me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
At least my masseuse has my back.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
🙁
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew