People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
You Might Also Like
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Word!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?