Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show